Behind me, Lavinia hand-cranked her manubalista - click, click, click - but the weapon was so slow to prime, she wouldn't be ready to fire until sometime next Thursday.
"That must have been quite a shock," I said.
"Since you thought Leo was dead."
Frank's dark eyes glittered like they still belonged to a raven. "Yeah. We were so mad him for making us worry, we lined up and took turns hitting him."
"We did that at Camp Half-Blood, too," I said.
"Greek minds think alike."
"Any weapons to declare?"
In better times, I would have answered, 'Only my killer personality'.
Millenia ago, I'd killed four of my father's favorites because they had made the lightning bolt that killed my son Asclepius. (And because I couldn't kill the actual murderer who was, ahem, Zeus).
Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here because Hera stinks. Amen.
If the wood burned up, so did Frank. Such a typical controlling Hera thing to do: I love you and you're my special hero, and also here's a stick-when it burns you die HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. I disliked that woman.
Everyone deserved someone who could wash away their curses by making them feel loved.
THE JOURNEY INTO THE TOMB WILL NOT BE THY FINAL CHALLENGE. UNLESS THOU SUCKEST MOST WOEFULLY.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
FIGHT THE KING, said the arrow.
HEAREST THOU WHAT THOU NEEDEST, AND SKEDDALETH.
"Did you just use the term skedaddleth?"
I TRY TO SPEAK PLAINLY TO THEE, TO GRANT THEE A BOON, AND STILL THOU COMPLAINEST.
"You ready for your quest?" he asked.
"Is the answer to that question ever yes?"
"Good point."
"What sort of parents would let their children ride such nightmarish creatures? Maybe Zeus, I thought."
"It's not really talking," Meg said. "But yeah. Even the trees don't like this place. They're trying to grow away from that carousel as fast as they can."
"Which, since they're trees," I said, "is not very fast."
"How do we get in?"
I hoped the answer would be Gosh darn it, we can't.
"The thought made me shudder. My gut wound felt so much better at the moment. I could walk without cringing. The sun was shining. I'd eaten a good meal. How could I still be poisoned?"
Denial is a powerful thing.
"How is your wound?"
"My would is thriving," I said. "Me, not so much."
OH BOY, A SPECIAL job!
The anticipation was killing me. Or maybe that was the poison in my veins.
"You jumped into the throne room because... you wanted to save me?"
"Duh," she muttered without any heat.
"Oh, Meg" I shook my head. "That was a crazy, senseless student, and I love you for it. But don't beat yourself up."
Mars might grant us success on the battlefield, but he'd look at my wound and say something like Yeah, rough break. Die bravely.
"No matter what happened over the next twenty-four hours, I would not add to Meg's worries. I would tought it out until the moment I keeled over."
Wow. Who even was I.
"Keep it together, legionnaire," Hazel said. "This is what we signed up for. Defending the legacy of Rome."
"From its own emperors," Thomas said miserably.
"I'm sorry to tell you," I put in, "but the biggest threat to the empire was often its own emperors."
Nobody argued.
"How come you made her laugh?"
"That wasn't my intention. Besides, it isn't illegal to make someone laugh."
"You asked her to be your girlfriend, didn't you?"
"I-What? No. Sort of. Yes."
"That was stupid."
"Well, I'm glad we had this talk, so I could unburden myself of all the things you already knew. I was also going to say that you're important to me and I might even love you like a sister, but - "
"I already know that, too."
Reyna said, "All I smell is Lester's shoes. I think he stepped in something."
"A large puddle of shame," I muttered.
"It's fun up here," Meg decided. She did a cartwheel because she enjoyed giving me heart palpitations.
"If we let the bird eat you," Meg asked, "will they leave Reyna and me alone?"
Let's play guess the god.
Starts with H. Wants to kill me.
(Besides my stepmom.)
"Perhaps if you hadn't kicked me in the head - "
"After that story about Koronis?" Reyna said.
"You deserved it."
"You did,' Meg agreed.
I sighed. "You two are horrible influences on each other."
Without taking their eyes off me, Reyna and Meg gave each other a silent high five.
I drew the arrow from my quiver. "O prophetic missile, I need your guidance!"
There was no answer.
I wondered if the arrow had been lulled to sleep by the magic surrounding the storage container. Then I realized there was a simpler explanation. I returned the arrow to my quiver and pulled out a different one.
"You chose the wrong arrow, didn't you?" Meg guessed.
A voice and a shh.
I have seen stranger couples.
Wait. No, I haven't.
"I forgive you. Not because you deserve it. Not for your sake at all. But because I will not go into oblivion carrying hate when I can carry love."
"That's kind of the point. You do something evil, you feel bad about it, you do better. That's a sign you might be developing a conscience."
"Have you completely made up for all the bad things you've done? No. But you keep adding to the 'good things' column. That's all any of us can do."
"We're going to make it," I said, like a fool.
Once again, I had broken the First Law of Percy Jackson: Never say something is going to work out, because as soon as you do, it won't.
KALUMP.
I hoped the real firefighters were okay because firefighters are important and also because they are hot, and no, that wasn't relevant right then.
Whenever an enemy got too close, Jacob would zap them like the Oprah Winfrey version of Jupiter: And YOU get a lightning bolt! And YOU get a lightning bolt.
I told them all in brief what happened, with Meg occasionally adding helpful comments like, "He was stupid," and "He was more stupid," and "He did good; then he got stupid again."
"Terminus, can you open our defensive barriers here at the main gate?"
"Why would I do that?"
"We'll try the Wakanda thing."
"I was not surprised Tyson had dubbed Arioin "Zoom Pony", or that he seemed happier to see the horse than me."
"If Jupiter expected me to crawl to him for help, begging for mercy, he could stick his lightning bolt right up his cloaca maxima."
Tyson kept dancing to his own internal music, flinging out his arms and spinning like a three-hundred-pound, heavily tattooed Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music remake Quentin Tarantino always wanted to do. (I convinced him it was a bad idea. You can thank me later.)
The only smell I detected was a hint of peanut butter. Why? I did not want to know.
I'll take Apollo. I don't need my eyesight to find him. I'll just follow my ears. He'll be the one whimpering.
I hated that he knew me so well.
"If I'm going to burn," he said. "I might as well burn bright. This is for Jason."
IF YOU EVER GET the chance to see weaponized unicorns in action, don't. It's something you can't un-see.
"I see. Well. I've concentrated the last bits of my power here, around Julia. They may destroy New Rome, but they will not harm this girl!"
"Or this statue!" said Julia.
"Where can we find Tarquin?" she demanded.
What she meant was: Who can I kill to make myself feel better.
The Five Unicorns of Apocalypse happily bucked, then galloped off to do Meg's bidding.
Captain Underpants
Does not appear in this book
Copyright issues
"Foul undead thing," she said, her voice hard and bright with power.
"When a good woman puts you down, you had best stay down."
"H-how long was I out?" I croaked.
"Roughly three seconds," she asked. "Now, get up, drama queen."
I beamed at my sister. It was so good to see her disapproving I-can't-believe-you're-my-brother frown again. "I love you," I said, my voice hoarse with emotion.
She blinked, clearly unsure what to do with this information. "You really have changed."
"I missed you!"
"Well, Lavinia Asimov, if you want to stay on board, you'd have to become a Hunter."
"Nope!" Lavinia hopped off as if the chariot's floorboards had become lava. "No offense, my lady, but I like girls too much to take that vow. Like... like them. Not just like them. Like - "
"I understand." Diana sighed. "Romantic love. It's a plague."
Never had there been such a bittersweet reunion between a girl and her deciduous fruit spirit. There were tears and laughter, hugs and scratches, and cries of "Peaches!" in every tone from scolding to apologetic jubilant.
Terminus had made it through the battle, though he was weak and shaken. His first announcement was that he was formally adopting little Julia. The girl seemed delighted, though I wasn't sure how Roman law would work out adoption-by-statue.
"The goddess has been beside herself," she said. "I mean that literally. Sometimes she gets so worried she splits into two forms, Roman and Greek right in front of me. She'll probably get mad at me for telling you this, but she loves you more than anyone else in the world."
Life is uncertain
Accept presents, and always
Eat your birthday cake
"My fate is no longer tied to a piece of wood, which is nice. And if you would all please forget that you saw me in my underwear, I'd appreciate it."
"Okay, settle down!" he called at last. "We have one nomination. Are there any other - ?"
"HAZEL! HAZEL!"
"Any objections?"
"HAZEL! HAZEL!"
"This leaves the Fifth Cohort without a centurion, so - "
The entire Fifth Cohort starting chanting in unison: "LAVINIA! LAVINIA!"
"What?" Lavinia's face turned pinker than her hair. "Oh, no. I don't do leadership!"
"LAVINIA! LAVINIA!"
"O son of Zeus the final challenge face
The tow'r of Nero two alone ascend
Dislodge the beast that has usurped thy place"
